I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
