my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
