Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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