The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize