i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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