Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
