I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
