I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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