the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
a search helicopter?!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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