literally had 100 drinks last night.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize