I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
