i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
