Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
