The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
