I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
