You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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