I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
