I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
ttyl tear gas
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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