He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
