so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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