your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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