I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
