I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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