I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
