I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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