Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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