Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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