Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
