You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
