Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
