Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
