I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
