I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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