so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
