just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
another moral hangover. fuck.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
