My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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