Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
