I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
