goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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