I can't watch pbs sober anymore
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
