I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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