I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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