you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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