remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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