I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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