hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
