Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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