I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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