I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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