the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we're so committed to being not committed
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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