If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
