god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
