I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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