I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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