I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize