I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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