Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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