So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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