The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
A+ Viking dick
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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