I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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