my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
