why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
