the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
