I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
