nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
40s are totally the cure
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
