I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just had sex on a roof
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
