I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
pray to the hookup gods
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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