shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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