Redeem this text for a blowjob
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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